i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
