my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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