He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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