if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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