glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
