He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
