I will die if light touches me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
