I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
