I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
