Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
