I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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