R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
