Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
