He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
