My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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