ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Randomize
