she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
