I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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