seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
