Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
