I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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