He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
