cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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