theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
