my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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