I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
