Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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