her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
