dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
