Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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