It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
