So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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