NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
