You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
