guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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