pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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