I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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