Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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