wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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