it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
