I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
