I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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