my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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