dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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