Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
