I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
