I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
