Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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