i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
