allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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